Jun2
Jun2
Go! Embrace your Liberty….
Jun2
Go! Embrace your Liberty….
There is a scene in one of my favorite movies, ( yes it’s a chic flick–DEAL with it.) Little Women. In the scene with Susan Sarandon as Marmee and Winona Ryder as Jo, the two interact about a trip to Europe that Jo’s younger sister Amy, has just landed. Keep in mind, Amy is the youngest, daintiest, blondest, and by Jo’s standards, prettiest…Brunette thinkers, you know what I mean. Amy has just captured the dream Jo had for years and in a fit of remorse and anger she flops down on the bed to talk with Marmee….It’s a beautiful scene, and as I play it back in my head, I can see it clearly.
Marmee is absently stroking Jo’s hair while she cries a bit, lamenting the loss….”
“Well, of course Aunt March prefers Amy over me. Why shouldn’t she? I’m ugly and awkward and I always say the wrong things. I fly around throwing away perfectly good marriage proposals. I love our home, but I’m just so fitful and I can’t stand being here! I’m sorry, I’m sorry Marmee. There’s just something really wrong with me. I want to change, but I – I can’t. And I just know I’ll never fit in anywhere. “
Marmee:
Oh, Jo. Jo, you have so many extraordinary gifts; how can you expect to lead an ordinary life? You’re ready to go out and – and find a good use for your talent. Tho’ I don’t know what I shall do without my Jo. Go, and embrace your liberty. And see what wonderful things come of it.
If I could kiss Marmee in this moment, I would. This interaction brings tears to my eyes each time I replay it…somehow it has ingrained itself in the midst of my soul, and try as I might, I cannot rid myself of this scene.
As a mother, I smile softly at this direction, knowing full well that my boys will want to fly away sometime soon. I see it happening little by little already. Gone are the days when they need me desperately, and while that feels good in the sense of freedom…my lower lip trembles a bit when I think of the years spinning away from us. I want to call out to them to WAIT, stay here with me, let’s journey this together….But, I can’t.
On the flip side, I feel intimately Jo’s comment, I always have. This need to fly, to bust out of the ordinary and DO something. I write about it, talk about it, dream about it, and try to talk other people into experiencing it too. Most people just nod and smile at me like I have lost my marbles. Those are the times I feel like someone is patting me on my head and playing into my childish fantasies of adventure. Other times people wonder why I can’t be content with what I have.
Well, I spose I could, but that would be antithetical to me, to the essence of who I am. Therein lay the struggle. I deeply resonate with Jo. I love where I grew up and the people with whom I have related. I love the rooted grounding I have received, the education, and the experiences of being in the Midwest and country life. But, like Jo, I am restless….wandering aimlessly until that moment that feels like magic. I try to fit the molds, and those that know me best have heard me speak of this till the mold is blue in the face!!!! I have tried to chip away the restless and uneven parts of me…they still don’t fit a mold. I have tried to envision a life that is quiet and certain and safe and controlled, it makes me feel like I am trapped.
I worked at a convenience gas station the last 2 days…yup. Graduated from Seminary and I am working for minimum wage at a till—I am a certified teacher too….try that on for size. ANYWAY! I worked the last 2 days, about `18 hours (give or take) I tried to think that I could do this day-in, day-out…I could be content to do this…to walk away at the end of the day and not think about anything and be quiet. I could greet and smile and serve..I could.
But. I. don’t. want. to.
That sounds selfish. I hear myself type that and I think, oh hon, can you hear how trite you sound? The thing is, if it were my children saying the same words, I would send them on their way…without remorse, without regret. Marmee does just that with Jo.
Jo wants to change, to fit the mold, and Marmee gives her permission to break free…to GO! Embrace your liberty! I want this MARMEE!!! Maybe I am looking for someone to give me permission…maybe I want someone to look me in the face and tell me it’s time to GO. Maybe. Maybe I want someone to tell me that being safe isn’t always right…that to live a life of purpose is to live dangerously….to love dangerously and to rebel against the social injustice and hatred that is prevalent. Maybe I want a guarantee that there will be people there, ready to embrace me no matter where the road takes me. Maybe.
Or, maybe I am scared. Scared that a life of extraordinary means hard work and sacrifice and a constant feeling of wanting more. Maybe I do not know if I am strong enough to handle it…that I never had it to begin with, or that I will let people down in the end. Maybe I am scared of being able to do it…of feeling like it is time to Go and that means leaving the safety of the known…as cumbersome as it may appear sometimes. Maybe I am terrified to Go.
I can’t imagine what Jo was thinking after her mother told her to embrace her liberty. I have never heard someone say that to me, much less a parent. Here is her mother, handing Jo her dreams on a silver platter….willing her to take the leap of faith-admitting her pain at her absence, yet tells her…GO! How can you expect to live in the box when you have been otherwise gifted…..I yearn to hear that…maybe I have and I have been to deaf to hear. It certainly wasn’t easy for Marmee to tell her, nor for Jo to act. She had to, and her mother knew it.
I am not sure what my writing today is about…a jumbled jigsaw of thoughts. I tried to sort them as I worked today, thinking back to my high school and college days at grocery store work. I came by the interactions naturally, was a hard worker, and kept the position and grew into more leadership. That often happens when I am somewhere. It isn’t long before the “quick study” morphs into another position and usually one of leading or managing….so many instances of “could do”, so many “you should’s” Most people will read that and think I am egomania personified. It does not come from ego, it simply happens. Try as I might, however, I just could not envision myself at a cash register for the next 30 years…and I am sorry that I can’t. I want more than this provincial life (thanks belle)
Thoughts, questions, comments, rude remarks? Please?
Shalom,
cahl.
Jun1
Country(fied) Creativity
Jun1
Country(fied) Creativity
I miss the lake front and country living I grew up understanding. I took it for granted and even hated it when I was a kid. I always wanted to be in town running around or biking with the rest of my classmates. I believed that they were always having more fun than I was…Now, I wonder.
I took my 2 boys home to the lake this past Memorial Day weekend. I showed my youngest how to fish, taught both of them how to bait a hook, hauled tree limbs from the water’s edge and romped around in the fields and muddy driveway. I loved it.
I miss the smells, the fresh grass after a rain, the cool expanse of greens and browns after a storm, the lake scent…sometimes as putrid as anything when the algae collects too much so. I remember watching the bugs crawling and walking on top of the algae, it was so thick. My brothers and I have a memory of being in the lake with our good neighbor friend and the lake being so still and covered in algae that the temperature was about 10* different on the surface than the bottom. I remember our neighbor ducking underwater and inhaling a mouthful of the green goo and spewing it out like a fountain. A green, chunky, waterfall! BLEH!!!!!! Well, we all did it—at one another. I still recall our parents coming to find us, we must have looked like something from the Green Lagoon! Ahhhh the fun. I miss that.
A thought ran through my head as I sat at the water’s edge, talking nonsense with my youngest and swatting the gnats and flies. There was no way I could grow up in this environment and have been a girly girl. I often felt like a Laura Ingalls tramping through the trees or a Jo March engaging in all manner of rough and tumble play with my brothers and cousins. I grew up playing with boys, that’s who made up my family. I learned much from them. That’s another blog completely…..or a couple.
I miss the play I experienced so long ago. I think I became more creative as a result of that time. I did not have a pool to run to and spend the summer. My pool was the lake, I learned to swim and dive at the end of the dock. In the winter, that pool froze and an Olympic size skating rink appeared, where I swore I was Kristi Yamaguchi. C’mon, we’ve all done it with some sports star. My brothers and I had only ourselves with whom to play…we had to invent our games.
Tag became–Guerilla Warfare ( Thanks to Mr. Streuwe and 8th grade History teaching my oldest brother the terminology) Kick ball was an afternoon endeavor, all the way across the lots…and there were at least 2 acres spanning our field. Fourth of July meant rocket launchers, chucking fireworks, and extended family. I have no idea how to not throw firecrackers. Imagine a dainty lady chucking Black Cats! We were outside from sun up to way past sun down. We were brown and fit and happy….covered in scabs, and often my mother wondered if it was TAN or dirt that enveloped us. Prolly a good combo of both. WE lived in the outdoors, the trees, lake, rocks, docks, and fields were our best friends. It became part of our souls…It did mine at least.
Now I yearn for the sound of the water…my bedroom faced the lake and I would open my window during all seasons to hear the water lap against the rocks, the fish jumping in early morning, the ice settle and pop in the winter. I knew those sounds intimately…I want to hear them again.
Author, Richard Louvre writes about a disconnect with nature that our children are suffering. AMEN and AMEN to that. I watched my sons last weekend. They calmed down, they romped in the grass, threw rocks at the lake, waded in the water–(albeit it was freezing…who was I to reprimand?) I would have been doing the same. He comments that our society of children no longer know how to play, have no understanding of the nature that surrounds them…or for some children, they have no idea that nature exists!!!! That idea baffles me, but the more I work within the city limits of the larger metropolis where I live, I see where that happens. Children can go through their whole lives without seeing a farm, and open field, a dirt driveway leading…who knows where.
I needed that growing up, I need it now. My kids need to experience that! I watched as their speech slowed down and they came into the house reeking of sand and mud and lake water!!! Eau de Herman! I needed to see that in my children. I struggle with now, wanting to scoop them up and march them to the country and leave even the small city behind me. Who cares about having to commute to the bright lights if I can play in the open field with my charges…A pipe dream I know.
However, there is something to this nature deficit and I am committed to more research and contemplation on the topic. It is part of the reason I am so in love with the work I am doing with the non-profit GROUND WORKS in SD. It is a small attempt to connecting children and families with nature through the use of a school teaching garden. The healing and physical health benefits are more than I can articulate. It is not simply about another “fad” standard of living…it is replicable and sustainable! It feeds the soul and the body and nurtures relationships better than anything I understand. I will write more about GROUND WORKS in the coming days and weeks, but for now check it out at www.groundworks-midwest.com or go to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/GroundWorksMidwest
You just might be pleasantly surprised!!!!
Until we write again…SHALOM
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May29
Clamoring Crabs–or Lobsters?
May29
Clamoring Crabs–or Lobsters?
I wrote not long ago about some song lyrics from RENT and swore that I would continue that stream for a bit….I lied.
I was reminded not so long ago of a story about crabs…or lobsters…or crablike lobsters. I can’t remember. Forgive me, I just graduated and life has been a little hectic. YES, that’s right!!!! I graduamatated!!!!!! An MDIV in Pastoral Care and Counseling has my name on it! I even passed with flying colors the last history class that I had to take and enrolled in midway through the semester. BooYAH!
Anyway. This story on crablike lobsters….a man happened upon a whole bucketful of the clawed crustaceans. Another man came upon the bucket and wondered at the top being left off and questioned the first man about it. He was concerned that the crabs would climb up out of the bucket, thus all the work to catch them being undone.
You would think that they would clamor to the top and rush to escape, wouldn’t you? The wise fisherman replied that as one may start to the top, the others would sink their claws into the one escaping and pull them back in the bucket. The first crab would never make it out, never escape because upsetting the status quo would be too costly to the whole.
AMAZING!!!! I thought about that story today. I thought about its application to human nature. Amazing. We are not so unlike our clawed crustaceans. That saddens me. It angers and disappoints me to my core. It causes me to shake my head in dismay and question what I am doing. I have to ask myself if I do that to another…do I do that to my children? Are there people in my life that do the same to me? I have to answer affirmative to all the questions.
There are many times that I have coveted another’s success or tried to talk them out of something because I did not want them to “get ahead”. Albeit it was much earlier in my adulthood. What I have failed to recognize are the moments that others have put me in that same situation and I have let them. Moments when because of guilt or shame or fear I have left my dreams and hopes to the side and accepted their agenda. Moments when I have stayed in the bucket because I am too scared of what the other side looks like to venture forth. IF the crab understood that their freedom was on the other side of the bucket, they might tackle one another to get to the top.
Then again, maybe they wouldn’t. Maybe that is the realization that strikes in my soul this evening. Maybe they are so content with the status quo and what they know that they would not fight for freedom…that they would not fight to live. All they can see, all they know is the reality in front of them. They ask not one question, challenge not one authority…dream no bigger than the next pot of boiling water. Water that will not give them new life (aaahhhh there is a sermon in that)
Am i guilty of that? Yes. I am guilty of wanting to take the easy route, of wanting a nice neat packaged solution. I yearn for that…I think we all do. I also yearn to fly.
With all that I am, I yearn to step to the edge, stare it down, spread my wings, and let go. I have wanted that since I knew to dream. I entertain many a dream in this head of mine…most of the time I feel too ineffectual to see them through. But, oh Lord, I wanna fly. What’s more, I want the chance to let others fly too, in their way, on their own path. I think that is why I became a teacher so many years ago…I loved watching the dawn of dreams in my kids’ eyes. I still do. I love to hear the stories and where people want to go…and am so often disheartened when I hear them give up the fight before they have even started.
So, yes. I am guilty. Maybe this story can motivate me, or someone else to think…to dream, to fight. Not all fight has to be destructive, not all anger is dangerous…and freedom does not have to cost everything. I think to not experience that freedom is more dangerous and costly than never entertaining it in the first place.
I am not sure what all this means, I know that I have more to write, but my head is full of other thoughts. I will close for tonight…I entreat your ideas, your thoughts, your dreams. Let’s help one another fight to the top and fly!!!!
Shalom dear ones,
cahl.
May16
No Day but Today
May16
No Day but Today
I have mentioned before that one of my all-time favorite musicals is RENT. There is something raw, gritty, and real about it. Aside from the stereotypical depiction of most theatre folk, the message is one that transcends surface thought. I like that.
Idina Menzel does a phenom live performance of NO DAY but TODAY, I will provide the link. No Day but Today
There’s only us
There’s only this
Forget regret– or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today
There’s only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is right
No other course
No other way
No day but today
I can’t control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope
is just to be
There’s only now
There’s only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today
Jonathon Larson 1995
I think for the next couple of blogs I will dissect a bit or two of these lyrics. There is something that is haunting me about them as of late.
There’s only us
There’s only this
Forget regret– or life is yours to miss.
I stand on the precipice of graduation in a couple of days…72 hours actually. My fellow graduates and I have been looking forward to and dreading this day since we entered Seminary. For me, it has been 4 years of the most tumultuous travels I have ever experienced.
There is something academically rigorous about the History, Doctrine, Politics, Ethics, and Theology that we digest. Pile on top of that the self exploration into personal belief systems, values, traditions, goals, and hopes and you have a recipe for some serious soul-searching. It never fails that some of the hardest tests and trials often happen during this time. What appears to others as moments of great growth and maturity can seem like the most lonely and scary of times. You feel stripped of all that you thought you believed, you have to be able to articulate what you believe and now you have to find answers as to why you do or don’t believe it.
If you choose to go a more pastoral route and incorporate some counseling into the mix, there is the exploration of self and family that takes place. This is often much more grueling than the constant onslaught of academic papers. It requires a tough skin to crawl that deep within yourself and stare down some dark places….sometimes you wonder if you will come out on the other side. I wondered that more than once, and there were times I was so angry, confused, frustrated, and hurt that I wanted to throw in the towel, scream a litany of curse words, and stomp out of the building never to return. There were also times of such great joy that I could not believe that some of what I was seeing and hearing was real. I have dear, dear, dear sisters whom I would walk through fire, no matter the situation or the time. I remember conversations in corners of the buildings, tears shed, laughter shared, prayers uttered in earnest. One of my dearest sisters, I connected the strongest with on the floor of a shower stall in a women’s bathroom. I am honored to work with her in a ministry role today. Another is in Canada and has just accepted a position in an area that speaks to her passion in a way I know she will soar! Still another has been ordained this year…our MOTHER!!!! I was privileged to play a small role in her ordination service….these “girls” or “my peeps” are some of the closest people to me.
I am blessed to know these women. I have had mentors…2 of whom are the closest adult role models I have ever known. I have specifically dropped to my knees in one of their offices and sobbed my heart out to them. They have prayed for me, with me, interceded on my behalf countless times, and pushed me in ways I never thought possible. I am indebted to them. They would never cash in that debt, rather would expect me to continue in the path of excellence and wellness that they model themselves. They have helped me articulate a vocation that is both thrilling and terrifying at the same time. They have my deepest respect, love, admiration, and loyalty–and those items do not come easily.
This Saturday I will cross the threshold, having completed four years of education and training, all while working and helping to raise 2 young boys with my husband. I have had to say NO to some things in order to complete this mission. I have also been told NO while on this mission. I do not like that very well. Do any of us? No. I cross the stage, leaving the guaranteed community I have known for the last four years. I am…..scared.
Who is this person on the other side of this education and training? I look back through things that I have written, pictures taken, tests completed, and I wonder….whoa! Who in the world is this woman? I entered Seminary a bumbling “kid” at 33ish…and leave knocking on the door to 40…in a couple years. THAT is quite a chunk of time. I began this journey not having a clue as to what I was doing….now I have a bit more of a clue. No one could have prepared me for what I would encounter, tell me the pain I would endure, or the strength I would be provided. Now I am done…what do I do now?
Most of my classmates are walking into a practice or a congregation. I am not. I am blessed to work for a Non-Profit which works in the realm of school teaching gardens as a means of holistic health, wellness, and education. I work to advocate for community development based on assets that already exist, we do not do for anyone what they can do for themselves. I enter into the journey of people’s lives and stories, and I am not afraid.
There’s only us….the now, the people, the life in the moment. Now. There’s only this…..so many times people have busted me for living for the future, steeped and stuck in the past, not present to the now. I need to change that. There’s only this moment, this second to breathe and be. I have BIG trouble with that. There’s only this…. Forget regrets….do I really need to hit that one now? Forget them or life is (yours and mine ) to miss.
I want to embrace this….to breathe this into my soul….to crawl inside what that looks likes and put it on like a warm blanket ( much like my fuzzy Z blanket made for me by another dear sister). How do I do that? How does this woman, on the other side of Seminary change and transformation, crawl underneath that Forgetting Regretting and simply be? Those that have the answers…speak now or forever hold your peace.
I don’t know. I think my next blog will explore this idea. For now, I need to lean into the celebration of a journey’s end and the expectation of the next chapter. No DAY but TODAY.
shalom,
cahl
May9
