To the Finish Line….

You know what?  I am tired!  Not just kinda tired, but the whole-body consuming type of tired that claims the mind and soul and spirit.  Where mere consumption of caffeine will not reverse the effects of exhaustion–but the kind where all you want is to climb into a quiet place, clad with numerous warm blankets and wrap up in warmth…and comfort…and peace. I yearn for this, body and soul.

I finished up my last major project for an ethics class this week, and the writing of this 20 plus page paper claimed so much of my brain and emotional power.  No one could really understand what it did to me to research and report on the foster care system’s removal of Native American children from their homes in South Dakota.  I found out last April that I am part Native American and started out much of my early life in and out of a foster home in northern SD.  I am grateful to the family that adopted me and the opportunities that availed themselves to me.  I am lucky..for many reasons.  Yet, it was exhausting to read the stories and imagine the scared eyes of little children ripped from a home–albeit the situation may look better, but it was still home.  My heart broke for what I reported and knowing that all my words will not exact a solution….it hurt.  It hurt to write and to be objective enough to do a good job reporting the needs and the cry for a solution.

With that project done I have 2 assignments due for my final week.  I have a group discussion on Tues for Spiritual Direction and a final essay test in ethics.  I have reached the finish line…It is a bittersweet victory. When I have more energy I will speak to my experience…I do not have the gumption right now.  I know I look at my graduation with bated breath….CRAP!!!! Back into the real world…one with more bills, a job that should pay, a hopeful application to all that I have learned and experienced.  Above all, no matter how old I have been, or what I have “jobbed” I have yearned to make a difference, to be an agent of positive change—to set the world to which I am called on fire with passion, determination, and inspiration….I have keened to do this as long as I can remember, and I have been so equipped-of this I know.  I seek the courage to move forward, that I lack.

So, while I am cut out for that which I hope to do, I need help.  Guess what?  I am human.  In being human, that means I am scared to do it wrong, to disappoint, to be less than what I know I can be, to let people and my Creator down…to be my own worst critic.  If I allow myself to give in to these feelings, they will paralyze me and the work I am to do will never see fruition.  I must press on…to another finish line-toward another goal.

What do you dream of doing?  Really, deep down in your core heart…what is it that drives your soul–that motivates you at the deepest most secret place?  Scary question, I know.  I have seen what motivates me, I know where I want to be, the work is before me.  If we answered this question, does it mean that we are willing to walk with another as they press on toward their goal…are we willing to let others walk with us?  In admitting that I am human, I also admit that I need people to walk with me, are you willing?  If so, how can I walk with you?  Wanna walk it together?

More to follow, right now the Pug wants outside and I want more coffee.  Shalom fellow readers, thank you for speaking to me…or reading at least.


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