I talk truth baby~!

So just had a “comin to Jesus” with my oldest son.  He started pounding on my youngest tonight, pounding so hard that i could hear it at the dining room table where I sat.  I could hear the fists meeting flesh and then the piercing cries of my son filled the air as he ran from his big brother.  He is scared to death of his big brother and even went so far as to give him permission to hit him if he needs to do so.  I DON’T THINK SO~!

This mom chewed.  No, I did not yell, I chewed and held his smart and intuitive bum to the fire!  Last night he told me that he knows what he does some of the time and that he is doing it to make me pay, tonight was no different.  He actually used the word “pay.”  So, I did what I knew to do, I reflected truth back at him and told him it was not ok ever hurt my son, my husband, my dog, or anyone else.  No one is allowed to do that to him either…or me, I forgot me.

When his energy level has reached an all-time high, the immediate reaction takes over and speaks for him.  To some extent I can excuse some of the behavior as energy and body  release, the line was crossed tonight.  I cannot allow any member of my family to harm another for any reason.  In fact, I cannot allow anyone to willingly hurt another….no matter what.

This parenting gig is massive hard work.  A good friend told me her father reminds her continually that we are not just raising kids…we are raising and pouring into the future.  He is a future voter, husband, father, community member, employee or employer.  It is my job ( and the job of the village) to raise effective people who depend on good character and sound morality to guide them.  If I cannot instill that I am not doing my job as a parent.

Unfortunately, this gig does not come with a manual.  It does not end at age 18, nor does it become any less exhausting, (so I hear).  How nice it would be to provide safe and listening places where moms and dads can unload some of that burden and vent.  Even as I write this, there is a vein of guilt that runs through me as I think about what I am doing and whether it is the right move or not.  Confusion and second-guessing rule the day.  There are days I am so emotionally drained I have no energy to brush my teeth.  How many people have the guts to say that, much less the permission?  There are times that I am driving home from class that the world looks quiet and I do not want to walk back into my house, where legos and boys run strewn.  I do, always.  There are times though.  There are so many times that I forget that I am more than a mom, a wife, a graduate, an employee.  I forget that I want and need too.  Many times I feel guilty for even thinking it, that is unproductive.  I neglect that I am a woman, wanting to be appreciated and sought after each day.  Most of the time I feel pretty overlooked and unappreciated as an individual person. Most of the time I do it to myself and then end up pissy about how I am received.

Bottom line, I do have the first clue about claiming what I need and want.  I stink at it and then I become bitter about what I’m not getting.  Well, tonight, I held both kids’ feet to the fire in another effort to instill more character.  Will it work?  Who knows, but I have to keep trying…one of these days I may quit pounding my head against the wall.

In the meantime, how do we lighten the load for one another?  Do we allow others to help?  Maybe that is step one, allowing people to help.  Maybe step one for me is to start thinking about what I need and want….any pointers out there?  Good luck out there!!!!

Shalom,

cahl.

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