Something must Give

Gonna be honest, I am wiped tonight.  My week has been chock-full, albeit all manner of good and desirable moments.  I am working full force on a major fundraiser and the connections that have been made in terms of partnerships is astounding.  Who knew when I graduated from Seminary I would put to use my marketing and connections ability…I so thought I would be pastoring a church congregation somewhere.  Amazing how moments change.

I think of last year and where I was this time a year ago.  It is nothing short of breathtaking.  I was in the midst of my first unit of Clinical Pastoral Education and serving as a Chaplain in a mental behavioral facility.  I learned so much and had such a good time.  I loved the people with whom I spoke and the people with whom I worked.  I even worked with a classmate from high school, granted he has Dr. in front of his name…but the convergence of worlds…wow.

My seminary education had been put to the test during this time and my call and vocation as I knew and understood it was in question.   My son had spent time in the mental facility that I worked and I did not know which way to turn.  I felt alone and desperate.  I did not see answers in my path, I did not see light.  John of the Cross likens these moments to a Dark Night of the Soul.  I understand that.  Those moments when you come to the end of all that you are and all that you know.  Where faith seems paltry and prayers seem to fall on deaf ears.  When energy is gone and you question all that you are doing and its purpose.  I understand that so well.  It is not that I did not believe, it was just that it seemed every door I encountered closed and I did not understand why.  Had I done something wrong, was I trying for the wrong path?  Why, when everyone told me that I was bound for wonderful moments and full of ability did I feel so alone? I felt targeted.

In the midst of what I thought I was doing correctly, I encountered opposition.  No tears would fix the situation.  It hurt.  It still does to reflect back on it.  Having graduated Seminary, I get to party and receive my diploma and hood in may!!!!  May 19 to be exact.   Feel free to come celebrate with me!!!!   That was an extremely dry time for me as a person of faith.  In the middle of that dry and parched land, were moments of extreme growth.  Moments of poetry fell from my pen and an awareness of our connectedness to one another surfaced. 

Although I felt deserted, I was not.  There were people around me in a physical sense and the Great Cloud of Witnesses that I had only conceived of in my mind, existed.  I could feel their presence, cheering me on and standing guard with and for me.  I know that sounds weird, but I could sense that there were others who had felt as I did.  That provided some comfort, if not answers.  There was an odd peace that I had knowing that historically there were others who had fought and fought and remained faithful.  I felt that I had to rise to the occasion to honor their stories and their legend.  I HAD to fight to maintain. 

There are times dear ones, where I am tired of fighting and I would like to throw my hands up in the air and say, “Ah, to hell with it.”  Somehow I can’t.  Somehow I have been charged with the honor and task  to be a voice.  I say honor because I consider it a privilege to hear from others and to share the journey and somehow I can speak to the soul of matters.  To finally feel that I have solidified my call or vocation is such a relief…to step forward is scary as hell.  There are times when my energy has been so depleted that I want to burst into tears and bawl and fall into a deep sleep.  More than anything, I want for the road to be easy.  It’s not meant to be that way. 

No, I am not going to wax poetic and pour out a bunch of platitudes that speak of refined gold and pure wonder.  BAH!!!!  We all know that to get there is some of the roughest junk to wade through.  It’s not fun, it’s not a good time, and it’s not easy.  It does produce wonder and amazement.  There are times when I wonder how I made it through the last couple of years.  Graduation in May will produce tears of joy mixed with relief and the realization that I DID IT!  Through all the odds and the cards stacked, a great cloud surrounded me and I made it!    I will sob and most will never know why I will barely make it across the stage.  Then again, I will square my shoulders, smile and do what is expected.  In the days and weeks that pass before then, I need some pressure to release.  I need to know that light will dawn and all that I have been working towards will prove fruitful.  I need to know that I am not alone.  I want to be someone’s little girl and have them tell me what I have done and will do is right and good and faithful.  I want that person to be proud of me.  I want my children to know they are loved and to feel that each day.  I want them to think I am a good mom…who loves them fiercely–always.

I think I want some people to fight for me as much as I am willing to fight for them and I need to discover the fight in me for me, not everyone else all the time.  I have no clue how to do that.  I know this is more heavy than a Friday night would normally allow.  Humor me. 

I pray the eternal Shalom that envelops you to your souls



2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Rena
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 20:44:05

    Graduating from seminary is definitely something to be proud of. It’s not an easy feat! I know you have many people walking with you, who are so very proud of who you have become through the ups and downs of life. Let yourself feel pride in your accomplishments, and remember there is One who is always saying that what you have accomplished is good and right and faithful, if only you remember to listen for Him 🙂


    • cindythea
      Feb 24, 2012 @ 21:29:06

      Ahh words to the soul. Thank you. I look forward to the upcoming walk across the Seminary grad stage with mixed emotion. So proud? Lord, I hope so, with all that I am and all that I know. One of these days, I will let up on myself enough to enjoy their joy and Abba Creator’s as well.


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