There are days I dislike people and being part of the human race.  This last week is one of those moments.  Sometimes I am peeved beyond belief at the audacity which we will go to in order to tear one another apart and destroy lives.  Watching the impact of Aurora, CO and knowing the peace that was shattered enrages me.  I want to know why, I seek to understand, I yearn to eliminate such behavior from taking place again.  Yet, I know that I am one person and the inner workings of other people’s lives are so much more complex and complicated than I could ever imagine.  Still, I am one of those idealists who believes that with enough grace and compassion, the tide will change.

I am beginning to wonder if my idealism reeks of naiveté or immaturity or where the motivation lies.  The truth is, I cannot change a cotton-pickin thing.  I can only control my reactions and my emotions–the rest is up to each person to do as they deem necessary.  That leaves me in a place that feels uncomfortable, wondering if my desire to make an impact will ultimately end in vain.

The area in which I live will perform another execution in the coming weeks; the result of a crime committed over 20 years ago.  I heard the victim’s mother on the phone to reporters the other day as she exclaimed her joy at the decision to execute–the hope that the criminal “rots in hell”.  I cringe.  I inwardly recoil at such a comment, and yet, I wonder if my reaction would be any different.  Were it one of my children murdered at someone’s hands, cruelly, with no regard for their life or their family, would I be any less bent on revenge?  Would I be able to look at the person who so wronged me and embrace them as a person, deserving of love and compassion as I am?  I am not so sure that I would be able to do that.  I tell myself a pretty story of love and forgiveness, that I am willing to accept much done to me and my loved ones.  Maybe the fact is, I blow a ton of smoke and I have no concept of forgiveness and compassion than anyone else.  Maybe I know nothing.

I graduated seminary a little over 2 months ago and somehow the feeling that “I have arrived” runs in my head.  I’ve done the time, the work, the thinking and reactions….now LET ME GO do SOMETHING!  Let me go take the world on and be part of something real and full of impact and make a difference.  90% of the time, it’s my fear that limits what I think I can do, then I make excuses for not venturing forth.  The fact is, I want to be part of something that eliminates situations like Aurora, CO from happening.  I desire to be part of something that shakes people from complacency to action and leaves the social climate a better and safer place for my children and for generations to come.  I yearn to see real change, a shift toward HUMANE treatment of all people, animals, and environment, yet I feel at a loss as to how to accomplish.  I feel like I am constantly chomping at the bit, watching and listening, keeping the vast majority of my opinions to myself and waiting for permission or direction.  Ah, the impatience of me.

A friend and colleague asked me the other day if one of my job considerations was my “fight”  is it at my gut the place where I would sacrifice all that I am and all that I have to fight that fight, irregardless if I win or not.  I could safely say that that consideration is not my fight and I am more ok with that than I thought I would be.  It does beg the incessant question…What is my fight? 

Is my fight to play nice, fit a mold, and behave myself, content to watch the world devolve and revolve?  Is my fight to quietly wish and hope for something different and pray that someone else picks up the fight and does the work?  Is my fight to raise awareness or to content myself with 8-5 M-Friday work weeks, pleased to come home at night, spend time being normal and then enjoy my weekends–wash, rinse, and repeat?  That sounds like a prison sentence to me.  Forgive my bluntness on that.  I do not want normal (whatever that means)…  I do not want to exist…I want to LIVE!!! to “suck the marrow from life”  Thank you Dead Poet’s Society….( you motivate me more times than I can count)  Argh, I don’t know what I am saying.

I want more–simple as that.  I want more compassion, more passion, more REAL LIFE, and more humanity.  I want more awareness, education, change, and tolerance of ideas and situations.  I want less stupidity.  I want less anger, hatred, revenge, busyness, ignorance, and violence.  I want less complacency and blame.  I want to take responsibility for what is mine, reconcile what needs healing, and embrace transformation.  Ah….the idealist rears her ugly head yet again.  I want the idealist to win…I want to believe that fighting the good fight is right and good and pure, and will make an impact and at the end of the end of the day I want to be able to breathe a sigh of relief and know I did my best with what I had.

Well, dear ones, I have no idea what I just wrote or if it makes any sense.  No flowery commentary, no solutions, just verbal spew.  Take it for what it is or is not.  That is all she wrote–for now at least.

Shalom dear ones,



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