38’s Special

I was Here

Well, here it is.  According to my birth certificate I was born at 6:42 am on Sept 6,1974.  For a longtime, self-proclaimed NON morning person, that is quite a shock to the system….interestingly enough, my youngest son was born at 6:43 am on april 14.  Coincidence?  I think…..

I have spent the last nine years claiming 29 and I have done it well.  My inner circle joked with me this year about whether or not I would have the courage to DO IT….Would I turn 30?  NO!  I won’t.  Wait for it….I plan to claim 38.

Now, on a good day, with FANTASTIC lighting, great hair, and impeccable make-up I can easily pass for late 20’s…. lately however those good days lend themselves closer to 30ish and according to FACEBOOK, I pass for 35…we all know how truthful that is!

As I gaze into the mirror, trying not to adopt a critical eye…the telltale signs are there.  The laugh lines are deeper, the wrinkles on my forehead a bit more pronounced, the gray that will not relinquish its hold….they are all there.

So why embrace this?  Well, that is a super good question.  I think back to what i wanted at 30….I was supposed to have my career in place, on my way to owning a home, a couple of kids running in the yard OH BLAH DEE OH BLAH DAH!

Uh, sure.  At 35, I started sweating the lack of the “dream”  At 38, I OWN NOTHING!  I have a couple of cars with over 150,000 miles on it, no mortgage, no owned home, boat, timeshare, motorcycle… I do possess almost 90,000 of federal loan debt, so I guess I can say the government owns me…that’s something, right?

WAIT WAIT WAIT.  I do have a Bachelor’s degree, A Master’s of Divinity, 2 full units toward clinical chaplaincy.  I have 2 amazing amazing and wonderful children, who are smart, caring, and articulate…they’re cute too!  Not that i am biased.  ,I am not in jail, do not deal drugs, and am a contributing member of society…I am the director of communications and marketing for a growing and impactful non-profit, and I work with people on all levels of civic, faith-based, and city involvement.  These people are some of the closest things to angels in flesh that I have encountered…the staff that I work with is above par and what’s more, they put up with the pain in the butt that I am–lovingly.

At the end of the day, as I embrace 38 I understand that I am a lucky woman and I have earned these 38 years.  I have earned what I have learned and the woman I have become as a result.  I have seen much and endured much, that much is true.

Ok, so what have I learned?  Can I write to book now?  Seriously.  I have experienced female friendships which are more valuable to me than anything I could ever anticipate.  I have women who have poured their lives into mine at various age levels and I am a better me because of them.  There is such comfort to sitting with a good gal pal (or facebooking, chatting, iming, googling, or whatever you want to call it) and laugh, cry, talk, shop, drink good wine, eat chocolate, and laugh some more.  I love love love my girls, what’s cool is that they know who they are.  Some are soul sisters, creative companions, writing legends, or just plain lovely.  I don’t need to tell them every day how much they mean to me, they know….but I am not afraid to tell them I love them.

I am not afraid to embrace my sons, let them see me cry or to be human around them.  They know that their mama is real and I make mistakes and when I do, I beg their forgiveness.  The result?  My boys and I are TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT.  I know them and I am a better woman because of their impact on my life.  The road is not always easy, and sometimes I am at a loss as to what to do next….I pray constantly that I do not mess them up completely.  Love does heal a multitude of wounds and I love them with everything that I am…and unashamed to claim it.

I have not traveled an easy path and the skeletons in my closet are anything but pretty.  The incredible knowledge is that I have survived, not only that, I BEAT THE ODDS.  Those who read this and really know who I am, know that I speak gut honest truth.  Every card in the deck was stacked against my favor and somehow…somehow the Creator and I overcame.  It is daunting to think about sometimes, and scares the crap out of me most of the time.  I do not know why I would be chosen to beat the odds, but we did it.  Creator willing, we’ll keep at it.

I dream really big dreams and I am beginning to face the fact that I may just be able to accomplish them…on my own.  I lived in the shadow of some amazing family members for most of my life.  That is what they are to me now, shadows.  The longer I keep chasing their legacy I have none to  call my own.  Their legacy is theirs and not mine to claim.  While a couple of massively talented people ended up in the same family, it does not have to eat me alive.  This is something with which I will wrestle my whole life…identity.  Maybe that’s ok.  I am an artist of words, and advocate for people, a lover of people and animals (except snakes and spiders), a change artist who desires to make a positive impact and leave this world a better place for my children and my grandchildren.  I am a storyteller and a compassionate teacher and chaplain.

The latest I have learned as a result of grappling with authority.  Sometimes there is a fight in which to engage and a time to open my mouth and stand up for people and values in which I believe.  There are moments when the gloves come off and in grace, love, and wisdom, I do declare that I will not stand for what I see happening.  I believe that if I disagree with something but have done nothing to remedy or impact the situation, I have no right or authority to speak in opposition to it.  If I choose not to vote, I have no right to criticize.  If I have not taught I have no right to judge those who ask to be dully compensated for the education they provide my children.  As I age, I understand that I have more experience and less to lose….and I can be more comfortable in saying “to hell with this.”  pardon my potty mouth.  People of all ages, stages, and places deserve HUMANE and GRACE-FILLED treatment.  I am here to do my part to the best of my ability, and I will fail and sometimes I will win.

So, there it is…I promised myself I would stay under 1200 words…I have done so.  My day has been long and I bid my 37th year and 29 a fond farewell.

Shalom,

cahl.

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Aside

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Tim Olsen
    Sep 06, 2012 @ 04:32:11

    Thank you for being 38

    Reply

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