Inner Claire

Wow, I can hear them from all parts of the house.  The screams, the shouting of orders, the pretend laser fire.  4 young and very physical boys run around my house, fake Star Wars weapons and grenades in hand.  Their screams shake the walls.  Just moments before they were in the extra bedroom playing what sounded like….a hailstorm.  They informed me that it was no hailstorm, but basketball.  I never heard any basketball game sound like plastic smashing the doors….”It’s ok, MOM”

The dog has curled up on the davenport as close to me as she dare come, looks warily at the soldiers.  Now instead of Star Wars they have switched to WWII. The lyrics to “I Believe I Can Fly” come from the littlest member of the posse.  I did not know R.Kelly has made his way to my house.  Interesting.

My phone buzzes or rather, my Iphone whistles its train sound.  (i have not figured out how to get free ringtones for my Iphone)  The phone whistles, and 2 moms are on my text alerting me to send their children home.  I gather one, get  them ready to head out…and of course, the child is wearing flip-flops (cause we can’t say thong in this day and time) and has not coat.  Ever the parent, I tell the child to get in my car and I will drive him home.  Back for round 2 sends another child home and the house quiets, a bit.  My oldest is playing Star Wars Battlefront and narrating the war.  I have no idea what he is saying, he is having a blast….I would like to hear something other than the constant narration.

I look up from the tap-tap tapping of my keys to see the Cosby Show on my television.  I smile. I watched and loved this show as a child, they are as much a part of my childhood as leg warmers, friendship bracelets, Tiffany, and New Kids on the Block (all of which I detested.)  I knew them, dreamed of being a sister to Denise, or better yet…BEING Denise!  I wanted Claire as my mom, who didn’t?

I still want Claire as a mom.  I am watching with new eyes as the chaos calms.  I smile even more as I hear the kids banter, yell, wrestle, and bang on the walls.   I remember hoping that I would be in a Cosby house.  I never thought for a minute that mine would be like that.  I admired Claire for almost everything that she did.  Ok, had to stop and swipe at my nose as the College Decision episode for Denise was on….The note that ma and pa wrote her to end the moment, makes me tear up, every stinking time.  I used to hear it from a kid point, hoping that I would hear something like that.  Now, I pray for the day I get to send my babies into the world.  Well I pray for the day, and I pray the day will never  come.

As I watch I think of no better compliment than to have swarms of shoes to trip over and coats to push out-of-the-way.  I fear that walls will shake, pictures will quiver, and lamps fall to their death.  I am most certain this will happen and much more.  This may not have been the experience I understood–far from it.  Maybe I can channel an inner Claire….I wonder what that looks like in 2013

Shalom.

cahl

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I REFUSE to Apologize

New Year’s has come and gone and with it the mass of people committing to resolutions, half of which may have already gone by the waste (waist) line.  I never make resolutions, I have never liked them because I knew sooner or later I would end up not following through and feeling worse about breaking them.  So, I never set them.

Today however, something quite profound occurred.  I was confronted in conversation at least twice to stop apologizing.  Part of me wanted to feign ignorance, believing that I had no idea what they were talking about with me.  That would have been a lie.  I know what they meant and it is time I stop apologizing….for many things.  I am not the only one who does this, dear readers. Many of us are guilty of such actions whether meaning to manipulate or not, we do it.  So, in honor of New Year’s I offer up those items which I will attempt to stop asking forgiveness.  These are in no particular order—

I just ate 4 pieces of bacon, and I LIKED it!

I like to sleep, to nap, and enjoy sleeping in.

Sometimes I squirt choc syrup in my mouth directly from the bottle

I LOVE LOVE LOVE whipped cream.

I like to blast the stereo, open the windows, and sing at the top of my lungs.

I am talented, gifted, and compassionate….and good at most things I do.

I would walk around in lounge pants and a hoodie all day every day if I could

You called me, I answered…why am I saying I was sorry for bothering you?

I like money and I would like to earn more to provide some comfort and a moment or two of luxury.

Nicholas Sparks’ novels make me cry and sometimes I like a good cry.

I like to be the smart kid in the class.

Underneath all my clothes I am completely nekid…so are you, why feel bad for how I presently look?  (YEOUWCH)

I do not own my house, I rent and I just completed my Master’s…..I’ll get there.

I like to watch FRIENDS and Cosby Show re-runs ad nauseum

My house is cluttered most of the time, I have 2 children and more legos than humanly possible.

I dream big dreams and want them to take flight.

Sometimes I like a good beer

I can belch better than most men.

I am scared most of the time and spend more energy trying to fake how brave I am.

I sleep with a cuddle pillow

I treat my dog as though she were actually human and one of my children.

I cannot CANNOT cannot play most video games….sorry kids I am a pozer

I recite movie lines and song lyrics as often as I can

I am a woman, trying to maneuver this gig called life and do it the best way possible, leaving it a bit better than when I began.

I am a little girl at heart, who desperately wants a mommy and a daddy, even at 37

 

I think that is all for now….feel free to add to this with your own comments.  I seek not resolution, but courage.  I need courage to step out, to do as I must, to follow through, and to believe.  To believe in me…..

Shalom,

cahl.

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